Who doesn't love a good poem?

In order to be a part of any group, or a part of any society there are certain rules one must abide by.  Wrestlers must starve themselves.  Fashionistas cannot wear white after labor day.  Christians must attend church every sunday.  Girls must wear dresses.  Boys must throw footballs.  As stereotypical as it may sound, it is the truth.  After reading a poem about the rules that every girl must follow, I decided to write a poem about the rules that a slob must follow.  Even if my dad likes to tell me that no one could possibly be as messy as me and accuse me of being inhumane, I am definitely not the only slob in the world.  Lets hope this first blog post gets all of you slobby bloggers interested in my life.

Slob

Don’t you dare touch the pile of laundry until it grows taller than your head; buy more clothes than fit in your drawers, and do worry about it when your drawers overflow; make food but leave the dishes on the sink, leave the pots on the stove, and the plates on the table; eat in your bed and sleep on the crumbs; only run the dishwasher when you run out of spoons; only do the laundry when you run out of thongs; can’t you just not wear underwear?; you’re a slob not a slut honey; this is how you throw your water bottle at the garbage but miss; this is how you avoid ever picking it up; spray Febreeze on shirts that are not exactly clean; braid your hair when the grease becomes overwhelming; shower often, but don’t stress about missing a day; this is how to get your shoes nice and dirty in the mud; make sure you leave a trail of this mud from the front door all the way to your room; when you try something on, put it on the floor not back in the drawer; this is how to throw your clothes all over the ground; this is how to walk on a ground completely covered in clothes and not trip; this is how to find clothes hidden deep under your bed; don’t let your makeup break on the ground, this is actually too big of a mess; don’t dust your dressers; don’t litter out the window, use the floor of your car; but what if the garbage goes under the break pedal?; good drivers can drive without the break; drive through muddy puddles and let the mud harden on your car; use the center console as a garbage when the floor is no longer visible; this is how to stick your gum under the desks at school; this is how to leave cookie crumbs all over your desk for the next student to find; make an effort to not get stains on your clothes; this is how to use tide-to-go when you do; eat in front of the TV without a placement; do not worry about the crumbs that fall under the couch; coasters are unnecessary; this is how to make your room appear clean for guests; convince guests to avoid your room when it is far too messy to even pretend to be clean; this is how you smile innocently when your dad tells you to clean your room; this is how to block out his voice when his requests become demands; this is how to slam your door and stuff your clothes in your closet when he threatens to punish you; this is how to sneak out the living room window when you get grounded for a messy room; hire a cleaning lady as soon as you have sufficient funds.